It won't happen to me

It won’t happen to me! I remember in nursing school a very defining moment. It’s been over 20 years and I still remember it. We had a rotation in geriatrics and were going to be working in a nursing home for a period of time. The instructor was sharing information about what this experience would/could look like... She asked for a show of hands from us: who of us thought that we would end up in a nursing home? Not one of us 21 year olds thought it would happen to us. Isn’t that life? The teenager who thinks they won’t be one to get caught, the drinker who won’t get pulled over by the cop, you can fill in the blank.... we all think that it WON’T happen to US.

Don’t you think it is a little like that for the aging parent? We all think/hope/expect that we will be the one to die in our sleep peacefully and never endure a difficult diagnosis. We won’t burden anyone else and will always be self sufficient. We will be the strong one, the one who has everything in perfect order and control over the future. And we certainly won’t be the old person who has strong opinions or speaks negatively! We will age in perfect grace and never burden anyone and then when every piece of paper and relationship is in perfect order, we will die in our sleep. If your parent is suffering from some illness physically or mentally, I can almost guarantee, they did not think it would ever happen to them. SO what can we learn from these unexpected twists and turns in life? I think having patience while serving our parents, realizing that it could indeed be us someday. Also. applying “the golden rule”, by doing to others as we hope they will (or someone filling the job for me) do for me!

memories

Memorable events

Celebrate! We all have had many celebration moments with our parents.... from holidays to graduations, to weddings and babies....The Lord celebrates in the bible with feasts and parties and we too, need to be thankful for those people in our lives and celebrate with them. We need to remember the usual dates such as birthdays and holidays but what about remembering those we love on less emphasized important dates like their parents birthdays (do we even know these or know their parents full names for that matter?), D-day or Pearl Harbor if they served in WWII, or their anniversary (even if the spouse if gone)?

Create a memory! Make a special meal or cake for them.... Watch a home movie together of “the good ole days”...vow to spend some time with them with no cell phone or computer for a certain amount of time. Show them old photos and relive fun memories.

Take their picture! It is true that none of us may look better than we do today so stop waiting for yourself or them to look perfect... capture the moments now. Take individuals of them, take with with your children, take them with

each individual child, .... don’t wait for the perfect set of circumstances--take pictures while you have them!

Luke 15:24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

2 Chronicles 30:23 The whole assembly then agreed to celebrate the festival seven more days; so for another seven days they celebrated joyfully.

summer vacations

SUMMER REFRESHMENT: Many of you will be leaving town this summer and have the concern of leaving your parent while you are gone. It’s not unlike leaving your kids especially when they were little. You want to get away and perhaps, really need a break, but there is a tug in you that makes you concerned to go. You may also be looking for someone responsible to be checking in on them or even perhaps delivering meals, and for sure someone locally for them to contact in case of emergency. It needs to be just the right person, who really cares and has the same type of judgement as you-discerning what to handle without you and when/if you may really need to be contacted even if on vacation. You don’t need or want to know every detail but don’t want to be isolated if a situation arises that needs your attention.

When you leave, you will be leaving lists and locations and phone numbers. You will plan and coordinate and double check and wake up in the middle of the night to double check again.

But it is important that you GO and get refreshment, even if it seems like alot of work to set things up to be able to go and get away.

Trusting in the Lord to provide the details and coming to him as he calls you to when you feel tired and weary. He is a God of order and cares about the details so call on him to provide for your parent while you are gone.

Proverbs 3: 5 TRUST in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

If you are not able to get away this summer, ask the Lord for refreshment in other ways. It may be in the form of a small unexpected blessing that puts a smile on your face or gives you peace; or a mini vacation that raises your spirits through fellowship with a sweet friend, a funny movie or a great book. Renew your spirit through God’s word every day so that you fill yourself up and have something to give those depend on you!

the last days

Last week we talked about change and how we usually don’t embrace it. I need to finish my story of dad because it happened 3 years ago this first week of June. Last week I left you with him going on oxygen and THE CALL that I received and that I was thankful for God in heaven who doesn’t change. Well, just when we thought dad was about to get out of rehab, he did get put on oxygen. Within hours we were all congregating around the ER waiting room still with no idea of the week we were about to have... Within days we were given a completely different diagnosis from the first hospital he had been in just weeks before... we went from ‘you have pneumonia, take this antibiotic, go to rehab, attend exercise class and you’ll get stronger’; TO ‘you have lung cancer, and possibly leukemia and only have 2-6 months to live’..... if that wasn’t shocking enough, he actually only lived 4 more days.... Talk about the will to live (or not in this case)....He never wanted to be sick...I think he heard the bad news and gave up the will to live.

But as bad as this week was, the Lord totally carried us through... those verses about when we are weak, He is strong, were demonstrated to me day by day, but it was really more hour by hour.... it was a surreal experience that I could not believe we were actually walking through-- I had wondered for so many years how the very end would look-- and now here we were, step by step being carried through by a loving and caring God, even in the midst of something I had dreaded for so long. God is so faithful- every detail was carried out by a loving God from wonderful hospice nurses to sweet kindnesses and the caring of friends, to no suffering for dad and a loving family gathered around near the very end. It was a horrible weak in many ways, yet had a sweetness in the caring details of a loving God.

God is faithful to carry us through when we do not have the strength on our own and He is strong when we are weak, He is good even when our circumstances are not....

the call

the call......you know... THE CALL.... the one you fear.... maybe itʼs a stereotype from books or maybe itʼs from movies .. I am not talking about a call like “you have won the lottery” but more like, Iʼm sorry to tell you that.......you fill in the blank.. I remember that I had a BAD false alarm years ago ..... I was 22 and newly married... My mom had been sick for years with congestive heart failure and I was always scared that something would happen to her and I would get “the call”..... Well, one morning the phone rang and it was my dad and he says in a very somber voice, “Well Iʼve got some bad news”.... my heart sank and with immediate tears I asked a shaky, squeaky, “what?”.... Dad then went on to tell me that he had forgotten to turn off the kiln at my parents house and that all the ceramics that I had painted had been ruined by over-firing! WHAT? Was I relieved?? A moment of fear and waiting to hear the worst..... THE CALL!

Another infamous CALL came many years later for me on Memorial Day, Saturday morning, 3 years ago..........My kids were just out of school for the summer, I was feeling carefree, dad was in a rehab and about to come back home.... we were touring a home show when THE CALL came from one of my sisterʼs... “I just wanted you to know that dad is on oxygen”......I think to myself, “Are you trying to ruin my perfectly good day”.... what could that mean, why are you telling me this now...is this even important.... But even then, I didnʼt know the significance of it all. Dad ended up being taken to the ER later that day and things continued to change and get worse by the day.....Change can be scary for us. When events or conditions change, as they will, we have ONE who does not change.... we do not have to fear “the call” because we have one in control of all. We cannot control most of the change in our lives but we do have one we can trust and he himself and his character does not change.

in memory of... vs. in honor of.....

IN MEMORY OF.....Honoring the ones you love.... This past weekend we were privileged to attend my daughterʼs 9th ballet recital! This particular studio always does a real ballet--not just filled with dance after dance with no rhyme or reason, but more in the traditional sense in that it tells a story. This year, the story is a timeline of the owner and founder, Denise Brown. What a lovely tribute to this wonderful woman who danced ballet for years, taught countless students over her 80 something years and has opened and maintained a ballet studio for 50 years..... Why am I bringing this up? When my mother-in-law died, we planted a peach tree in our backyard; when my dad died, we planted a beautiful garden outside our family business... But really those acts were for us--for us to remember them..... the one who had passed didnʼt get to enjoy them......so many times we pay a tribute when someone dies....from a picture history video at the funeral to donating fountain or building.... IN MEMORY OF....... But why donʼt we honor

these special individuals when they are alive... Why not change it from IN MEMORY OF to IN

HONOR OF......TELL your mom or dad how much they

mean to you....WRITE THEM a note....... VIDEO THEM telling old family stories....

TAKE THEIR PICTURE....PICK UP the phone!

Honor them now, honor them today......

Dad I love the way you always_____________ when I was growing up. Mom, you always made me feel special when you _______________. Dad, I loved the way you taught me to________________. Mom, My favorite meal growing up was___________________.

No family is perfect so there are things in growing up that you may NOT have liked.... but choose something positive and honor them with that tidbit. It doesnʼt have to be huge or a large project like a ballet but I encourage you to honor those around you and celebrate their life while they are still with you!

Advice!

ADVICE and more advice! The reason I started this newsletter is because caring for a parent really does present itʼs own unique challenges. All of your younger life, the parent was in charge and now you are. You have increased responsibilities with them and a life of your own. So what do you do with well meaning friends, who are not in this stage of life or specific situation, who choose to offer you their words of wisdom..... First off, know they they really are probably well meaning. And while you may need a confidant to share with, not everyone needs to know every challenge that you face. Others donʼt need intimate details of physical changes that your parent may be having, so you can allow that parent to maintain their dignity. But it is nice to have someone to share with that loves you and your parents and understands the difficulties you face! When someone does give you unwarranted advice, here are some ideas of how to handle:

--Nod, smile and thank them for their concern but donʼt make any promises that you will follow through with their idea --do not try to explain to them that they really have no idea what you are going through..... They may want to tell you about Aunt Sally who died of the exact thing your parent has been diagnosed with and add gruesome details..... they may, single handedly know of the best nursing home in town, or worse, the worst nursing home in town.....Thank them and then go and do whatever is best for you, your family and your parent. Advice that someone, who is living life with you, that has been prayed over, is different than advice from someone who has thought about what they are saying for all of 5 seconds..... We have all been guilty when someone tells a story and asks for prayer and before you know it, you are offering solutions or advice. What they asked for is prayer; and what they are getting is advice. We can all take note and learn from this. Be kind and donʼt judge when someone offers unsolicited advice-- they mean well.... But also guard yourself from folks who drain you by their inconsiderate remarks.....Pray frequently and fervently so you donʼt express any ungratefulness but that your attitude may be humble and not annoyed at the advice sharer. Show the love of God to them by being patient and kind. And know that we all can learn from these experiences. We can learn and not do this same behavior to others..... JAMES 3:2 We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.

remembering

First Friday in May.... the date may roll off your tongue but it getʼs stuck in my throat....and my heart sinks a little..... For me it represents the beginning of the end.... Do you know what I mean.... If you have lost someone close to you, you know what I mean.... but at the time you donʼt even know the significance; you really donʼt know that it is or could be an event that significant... Beginning of the end.... it may look like a slight change in condition.... something that could be explained away but deep down you know it may mean more. That pit feeling in your heart that you are on the edge of a crisis; about to enter in; about to walk through something really hard.....hoping not but knowing you may likely be.......

It was a beautiful day--kids out at noon (just like this past Friday).. they each had friends coming over from school and we stopped by a local hamburger place to eat a quick bite before we came home. We had picked up my dad a burger... when we arrived home, I ran it out to his house behind ours where I found him in bed (not terribly unusual-he usually took an afternoon nap). but this time I found him shivering in bed, hardly able to communicate. When I asked him if he could get up and he really couldnʼt (didnʼt even really try) I told him I needed to call 911. When he didnʼt argue, I KNEW something was up. I did call and within a very few moments, they arrived (thank you local fire and ambulance devoted workers).... I also called my sisters knowing this wasnʼt an event to go alone. The emergency workers

talked with him and loaded him onto a stretcher to go to the hospital to get checked out. While it seemed innocent enough, I had THAT feeling. That one where you are in slow motion and everything around you is spinning and somehow you are looking into the situation, even looking down at yourself in the midst of it. I remember having the thought that I wonder if this would be the last time he would ever be in his home, the one he loved so much, the place of comfort and filled with lots of love. I brushed away the thoughts, knowing I must deal with the crisis at hand first. I must be strong. I must be helpful. I must be up beat for him and not show my fear. Beginning of the end--yes indeed; still hurts now but the following weeks got even worse (more in coming newsletters)... So in all this, what can we learn? We must somehow walk through the painful steps for care for our parent, not show our own fears, be strong and courageous for them even though the small child in us says that we cannot do this. Make this go away. But in our times of difficulty, the Lord is strong. He is strong when we are weak. He carries us through. Call on Him to be with you. Beginning of the end-- first Friday in May-- change is never easy.... May the Lord carry us through.....

in charge

Who is in charge? As you care for your parent, and as roles change, there sometimes can be “growing pains” as to who is in charge. You want them to remain as independent for as long as possible.... Certainly you want them to make decisions about their care when possible but also sometimes you may have a more clear picture of their needs. I remember the classic story of dad.... He had been falling alot (a whole other set of stories, not to mention that he was on blood thinning medicines!) and we really wanted him to get some physical therapy to get better balance and be stronger. He was in good health other than the falls. We pondered this for a long time and finally talked to the doctor. Even though dad thought he was just fine and told the doctor so, we managed to convince the doctor to write a “doctorʼs order” to get some physical therapy. Dad was still saying that he did not need this and that he was fine and would be “more careful”..... We finally went through all of the red tape to gain access to a therapist who would come to his home a few times and teach him some exercises to make him stronger and hopefully have less falls.

Weeks went by and we kept waiting to hear from the therapist. Finally, my sisters and I were comparing notes at dinner one night and asking if any of us had heard back from the therapist...and wondering why we had not! How rude we concluded! When, after much discussion about what to do next, dad chirps in....”Oh that guy has been driving me crazy calling. I told him not to come!” Imagine our exasperation when we discovered this little fact! We finally did arrange therapy and a wonderful man came and helped dad learn some exercises and techniques to help keep him ambulatory!

MORAL of the story: Communicate often and well; and use gentle force to get the services they need.

too busy

TOO BUSY? It’s that time of year again.... the busyness is taking over.... if you are a true sandwich generation member, you are now facing adding some “ever-so-worthy” end of the year activities to an already full schedule. Now taking your parent to the doctor and bringing them a meal is sandwiched between the end of the year musical and end of the year soccer party. And don’t forget the end of the wedding shower for the favorite teacher who has just been engaged and the well meaning friend organizing the end of the year pool party for the whole class. How do we balance the have-to’s from the rest? Matthew 11 says 28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.".... So what can we learn? Weary--those tired from hard toil; Burdened--those loaded down.... Are these you? A yoke is a device for joining together a pair of animals, esp. oxen; so when we take HIS yoke, we can first learn from him, and second of all, find rest.....Yoke’s are designed to take the burden of ONE and shift it to TWO. When we bring our cares to Jesus, he doesn’t just listen, he lightens the load. As much as you don’t think you have extra time to spend with HIM in this busy spring season, it actually may be JUST the thing you need to make your load lighter. It may not be in the form of removing physical items from your TO DO list (but it may!) but may be in the form of helping you make good choices of your time and being more calm, loving and patient. Your parent is in a season that they probably don’t understand your busyness so we can learn from them and try to slow down, prioritizing what must stay and what can go. But equally important, when we have have spent time with God, we can love others well. Don’t make the mistake of taking time with HIM off your list, thinking it will clear your plate of one thing. That’s the VERY THING that will keep you able to persevere and able to finish well.

slow

SLOW.... Letʼs face it.... for most of us, slow is a bad word.... slow refers to traffic and lines at the grocery store and well, many times, our aging parents. I remember the ultimate feeling of slow.... It was Christmas morning. My kids were awake and we called Poppa at his guest house to come over before the kids were allowed to look at what Santa had brought. We always played a game called “Hide baby Jesus” to at least think about what the day really meant before we commercialized it with excessive gift giving. It seemed that we waited and waited and waited. Finally, he came over and we had a nice Christmas morning. But I remember feeling so impatient--what was taking so long? My kids were bouncing off the walls but maybe it was a good lesson to them that not EVERYTHING revolves around them. (shocking, I know!)..... I also think it is good for US to remember to include plenty of margin in our day when we are caring for them. There is no way to serve really well if you are in a hurry. If you get huffy that they have forgotten their medication to take to the doctor because you are rushed, they will sense your frustration and feel badly for the trouble they perceive they are causing you. Not rushing, means allowing enough time to get them dressed, and perhaps one last trip to the bathroom, extra time for going to and from the car, getting in the car and buckling, folding up walker or wheel chair, etc.... You get the point if you at in this stage..... Allowing enough time makes the difference between an enjoyable outing or short snappy answer and attitude towards them. If you have had a frustrating outing, good news: Tomorrow is a new day! Love them well. Aging really does cause you to respond and move slower-I am already feeling it! They are probably doing the best they can! Grace--give it and you will be blessed!

It's not my turn

Itʼs Not My Turn

Do you know when you have “that feeling”....Something that leads you to act in a way that doesnʼt make logical sense. I remember well when I was prompted by the Holy Spirit, obeyed and am so thankful that I did. As you know, in caring for your parent, there are days when you feel overwhelmed.... appointments, errands, groceries, laundry, phone calls all for them... the list can go on and on.... As dad began to get weaker, the list of my/my sisterʼs responsibilities grew. We took turns when it came to the doctorʼs appointments and these appointments became closer and closer together. Sometimes it was overwhelming. Getting him safely in the car, folding up his walker, helping to buckle, some of you know the drill........If we knew we had one month or 50 months, we could have dealt with every detail so well--it was that unknown...... In April 2007, one appointment was coming up and it was my sisterʼs turn to take him. It was her turn. It was not my turn. I had taken him to the last appointment. In my head, I rationalized that it WAS NOT my turn. Why I kept thinking about it over and over, I did not know. I called my friend, Holly, who I knew would agree with me that indeed it WAS NOT

my turn, and that I should let it go. I had a family to care for and it WAS not my turn! She was always a wonderful sounding board with my joys and frustrations and a godly friend with a level head. But what my wise friend said to me was, “Well if you canʼt get it out of your head, maybe you should go?” But it wasnʼt my turn I stomped inside my head in a tantrum. But I DID listen to the wise advice of my friend and not to my own selfish voice and I went to the appointment. I was sure that when we got to this appointment, that there would be some revelation related to his health or some amazing new information during the appointment and that was why I was “supposed” to go. But the appointment came and went and nothing. No new info from the doctor, no new meds, no new diagnoses, nothing...... Untillllllllllllll....., he was admitted by ambulance a few weeks later and THAT appointment was dadʼs last doctorʼs appointment that we ever drove him to. Glad I went? What do you think?

Moral of the story: Listen to that small still voice inside, walk this road with others who love you well, and love and serve the Lord well, by serving your mom or dad. Be still so you hear promptings to do what is right even if it is not your turn!

planning holiday meals

What are we having for Easter dinner?

Celebrating Easter yesterday has reminded me of a pattern that my sisterʼs and I would experience with my dad when it came time for holidays.... Weeks and weeks before any holiday, my dad would start talking about the menu... When he was healthy, he would generously contribute to the menu, shopping and even do some of the food preparation! As he aged, he was obviously less able to help in such tangible ways, so the question of, “What were WE going to make for Easter?” really meant, what were my sisterʼs and I going to make for Easter.....Problem is, for us, weeks away meant we didnʼt necessarily want to think about it quite yet! We all were barely able to take a deep breath as we go thought life before the next commitment, going from event to event and barely keeping up with the next thing on the TO DO list and he was wondering/worrying about the holiday meal! We would tease with him about it -- “Dad, if you donʼt have the Easter food to worry about, what will you come up with to worry about?” Itʼs not that we didnʼt appreciate him or his input...We adored him and his ideas! But he really truly didnʼt have as much responsibility at his older age which is great and appropriate. But, as for the rest of us, we are usually

getting by, day by day! So when he is talking about what to serve for the holiday in question which is weeks away, I am thinking, what I am going to serve for dinner tonight....or even more urgent “how I am going to pick up 2 different kids at 2 different locations this afternoon at the same time”..

Question of the week: What can you take OFF your plate this week so that you can serve your parent well?

But, of course, now, I miss him so much and would love to talk about an upcoming menu anytime! Point for each of us: Slow down! A theme that I keep bringing up? Yes.... Why? because we need to.... How can we serve well, when we are too full or on autopilot.....

eternal things

With Easter around the corner, we have the perfect opportunity to have open conversations about the love of Christ and his work on the cross on our behalf. I am reminded of a story about my mother and her salvation. I was 24 when my mom died (she was only 60!) but she got sick when I was only 16 and never in good health after that; Now that I have a child 20 and a child 15 (and one 13), I see how young that really was to go through something like that...... for her and for me.....My mother-in-law saw my motherʼs sickness is a more realistic way than I did (I guess I didnʼt really think she would actually die), and really encouraged me to ask her if she believed that Jesus died on a cross for her sins. She did this so that I would have the assurance of my momʼs salvation or time to share if mom had not accepted Jesus as savior. I remember being so scared of doing that. It was like I wanted to know for sure but didnʼt want to offend her with the question. Have you ever felt that way? Especially with a loved one who has always had the answers, been the one in charge, in control, teaching me things, not the other way around. Well, I finally got my nerve up and I remember it pretty clearly.... I was on the edge of her king sized bed (where she spent alot of time) and finally got the nerve to ask the question of the age.... I was nervous and took a deep breath, hoping not to offend her...... “I know

you know all of the bible stories from church and all, but do you believe Christ died for your sins; have you made a personal decision to accept him as your savior? Okay, there I said it, now holding my breath for the answer..... which was yes--but sounding offended that I had to ask the question. BUT even though it may have offended her, I AM SO GLAD I ASKED....I cannot imagine the last 25 years if I had to wonder where she is now.... Was it uncomfortable? yes indeed.... Would I do it again.... yes indeed! If you are uncertain of your parentʼs eternal state, I encourage you, as my wise mother-in-law encouraged me, ask and find out. Ask yourself the question first... go to Godʼs word which is very clear about the way, the truth and the life. Donʼt have the regret of wondering or not sharing with them the good news even if it is uncomfortable. Why is it we can talk more easily about bodily functions and television shows than the most important decision anyone can make.

It is as if we donʼt think that they (and we) are going to die. Not to be doom and gloom, but this is certain.... It is not IF but WHEN... for all of us ....... donʼt delay.... one uncomfortable conversation could give you peace for years to come and eternity with Jesus for them... and then if they donʼt know the way, there is time to share with the good news of Christ. If you yourself have questions, please email me and I would love

to share more with you.

Are you going to the store anytime soon?

Are you going to the store anytime soon? For years, my sisters and I had specific duties to help with my dad. One sister had the shopping duty. Even though I served him most meals because he lived with us, she did errand runs such as pick up prescriptions, “Scope”, and sometimes even candy (although remember, he was diabetic!).... We never formally divided the tasks but it sort of fell into place. We can laugh NOW about the story that seemed to happen over and over again.... Picture this: my sister, who never cooks (literally-meaning most of the time she was making a special trip to the store just for him)... comes in with a bag full of items he has asked for just days before: perhaps kleenex with very special requirements (count, size, softness) , toothpaste (again, not just ANY brand), and a prescription or two...... When she would walk in his house with a bag of items that she had purchased for him, he would say, “Are you going to the store anytime soon?” FEELING #1: Exasperation! The exasperation she/we would feel when things like this happen did NOT seem funny at the time.... She may have just spent the morning searching for the items he had asked for and no more had she brought those items in, than he had thought of other things he needed but had not called to add to the list. FEELING #2: Guilt (over the impatience and exasperation that you JUST had)... You know you are here to serve well but “lost it”, even if only inwardly, when he asked for more errand running.... FEELING #3 Compassion--You LOVE them and are willing to do anything for them but planning ahead really would help you since this is not your only commitment. But remember, patience and perseverance are only a prayer away. Put your hope in HIM who does not change, yesterday, today or ever! Donʼt go this alone; ask Jesus to lead you....

final days

One of the scariest parts of taking care of your parents may be the unknown ending. You don’t want their passing to happen because you love them dearly but can sometimes feel like you need a break. Just like having small children who won’t sleep through the night--someday they will--just when is what we don’t know. Sometimes in caring for your parent, you feel weary and tired and think that it will never end (and then you feel guilty for having that thought!).... You could gear up for anything if you knew if was going to be 2 weeks but what if this caring lasts 10 years or longer.... The unknown..... the path, which way will it lead... and when.... and how..... For years, I “worried” about how the end would be for my dad... Would he have enough money to pay for help if he needed it? Would he need full time help or have to move to a nursing home? Would he lose bowel and bladder control or be in a wheelchair that I couldn’t lift him in and out of? Would it be fast or slow? Would one day I go out there and he be “gone” or worse, if I sent a child out to tell him it’s dinner time and he already be “gone”...... The important thing for us to remember is that: God is in control.... the decline and final story ending for your parent will not be a surprise ending for him. It is not a mystery to God. Our job is to be obedient and care for them with excellence until it is time and then rest and lean on the Lord as you walk through the valley as the end approaches.... Pray for patience so you can be the hands and feet of Christ. Trust in the One who knows how the story ends and until then, enjoy the story, slowing down to savor every page of it! Your role is vital to the plot and an integral part of a beautiful story that God has already written.

Role Reversals...

I recall the irony. At only 24, I remember helping my mom -she was only 60 (seems even younger the older I get!) but she was ever so fragile and frail; she had congestive heart failure. In particular I remember helping her in and out of the bathtub, helping her dry off, put on Estee Lauder powder using a giant fluffy powder puff, ad put on silky jammies. How backwards it seems to be helping those who have always helped you. The natural, yet SO unnatural job of caring for those who have always cared for you; they were the one who cared, shared, ministered, listened, provided strength and perspective. Now the roles reverse and you are the one doing the caring, perhaps decision making and frequently, sacrificing. It is so bittersweet--thankful to be in a position to help and yet the little child in you thinking this isn’t right; almost feels disrespectful. The importance of your role now isn’t one that the world especially values. Our society tends to base someone’s value on what they can do for you. But now it is our turn to care for someone who can’t do it alone.... our turn to help feed, bathe, drive, even help with personal self care sometimes. We will never remember some of the care we received through our illnesses or injuries when we were young. Serving your parent as the one in charge of their physical and emotional health, may feel awkward at times, but is of great service and one of utmost importance.

Doctor's appointments and more doctor's appointments....

When you may be thinking of all the other things you have to do, take heart. Going with your mom or dad to a doctor’s appointment is important! Sometimes, you need to be the interpreter to what is said by the medical staff to your aging parent. My sisters and I can now laugh at a certain appointment where the internist carefully explained to my dad how his blood sugar was elevated and that his body did not have or make enough insulin to carry the nutrients into the cell. At his age and based on the data, the doctor suggested an oral medication that would help his body produce the much needed insulin to assist the nutrients to cross into the cells where they needed to be..... Bottom line, dad got into the car and with relief and excitement shared with my sister, “Well at least I’m not diabetic!” Unfortunately that is exactly what the doctor was telling him! Thankfully, my sister was with him to listen, interpret and re-explain! When you think you are wasting your time at another appointment, think again. You may be the glue that holds your parent’s health together. You know them better than anyone else and are key to transferring important information back and forth between them and the experts.

Encouragement in caring for your elderly parent.....

I, too, have cared for an elderly parent in his last years. I had the joy of having him healthy for 40 something years of my life and the responsibility of serving him in his fragile health for several years. I know the many and varied emotions you have with serving a sick or weak parent. I know that sometimes you feel it is your greatest privilege and how sometimes you feel exhausted and weary and that you cannot go on. I know that when you are with that parent, sometimes you feel like you need to be somewhere else; and when are not with them you are thinking that you should be. We are called the “Sandwich Generation”--living life between caring for our own families and caring for elderly parents, “sandwiched” between these two generations. Hence the title of this newsletter, “Ham and Cheese Please”...I hope to encourage you with devotions from God’s amazing word, scriptures to memorize and remember when you are feeling tested, and stories to help you get perspective, which is what we all need sometimes to separate the urgent from the important. Just as the world tells young moms she is wasting her time caring for preschoolers at home, so the world values jobs with important titles over caring for elderly parents. The title of Director of something, anything really (work ministry, doesn’t matter!), seems so

much more glamorous than taking my dad to the doctor or bringing him a meal. But guess what? My season of caring for him is over and I wouldn’t trade one single doctor’s appointment or La Madeline quiche that I brought him. I miss him dearly and hope I can help you gain perspective, not creating guilt, but in helping you remember what is truly important and how, this too, will pass. I want to encourage you to FINISH WELL--don’t grow weary, don’t do it in your own strength and don’t give up the high calling of serving your parent.