the last days

Last week we talked about change and how we usually don’t embrace it. I need to finish my story of dad because it happened 3 years ago this first week of June. Last week I left you with him going on oxygen and THE CALL that I received and that I was thankful for God in heaven who doesn’t change. Well, just when we thought dad was about to get out of rehab, he did get put on oxygen. Within hours we were all congregating around the ER waiting room still with no idea of the week we were about to have... Within days we were given a completely different diagnosis from the first hospital he had been in just weeks before... we went from ‘you have pneumonia, take this antibiotic, go to rehab, attend exercise class and you’ll get stronger’; TO ‘you have lung cancer, and possibly leukemia and only have 2-6 months to live’..... if that wasn’t shocking enough, he actually only lived 4 more days.... Talk about the will to live (or not in this case)....He never wanted to be sick...I think he heard the bad news and gave up the will to live.

But as bad as this week was, the Lord totally carried us through... those verses about when we are weak, He is strong, were demonstrated to me day by day, but it was really more hour by hour.... it was a surreal experience that I could not believe we were actually walking through-- I had wondered for so many years how the very end would look-- and now here we were, step by step being carried through by a loving and caring God, even in the midst of something I had dreaded for so long. God is so faithful- every detail was carried out by a loving God from wonderful hospice nurses to sweet kindnesses and the caring of friends, to no suffering for dad and a loving family gathered around near the very end. It was a horrible weak in many ways, yet had a sweetness in the caring details of a loving God.

God is faithful to carry us through when we do not have the strength on our own and He is strong when we are weak, He is good even when our circumstances are not....

the call

the call......you know... THE CALL.... the one you fear.... maybe itʼs a stereotype from books or maybe itʼs from movies .. I am not talking about a call like “you have won the lottery” but more like, Iʼm sorry to tell you that.......you fill in the blank.. I remember that I had a BAD false alarm years ago ..... I was 22 and newly married... My mom had been sick for years with congestive heart failure and I was always scared that something would happen to her and I would get “the call”..... Well, one morning the phone rang and it was my dad and he says in a very somber voice, “Well Iʼve got some bad news”.... my heart sank and with immediate tears I asked a shaky, squeaky, “what?”.... Dad then went on to tell me that he had forgotten to turn off the kiln at my parents house and that all the ceramics that I had painted had been ruined by over-firing! WHAT? Was I relieved?? A moment of fear and waiting to hear the worst..... THE CALL!

Another infamous CALL came many years later for me on Memorial Day, Saturday morning, 3 years ago..........My kids were just out of school for the summer, I was feeling carefree, dad was in a rehab and about to come back home.... we were touring a home show when THE CALL came from one of my sisterʼs... “I just wanted you to know that dad is on oxygen”......I think to myself, “Are you trying to ruin my perfectly good day”.... what could that mean, why are you telling me this now...is this even important.... But even then, I didnʼt know the significance of it all. Dad ended up being taken to the ER later that day and things continued to change and get worse by the day.....Change can be scary for us. When events or conditions change, as they will, we have ONE who does not change.... we do not have to fear “the call” because we have one in control of all. We cannot control most of the change in our lives but we do have one we can trust and he himself and his character does not change.

in memory of... vs. in honor of.....

IN MEMORY OF.....Honoring the ones you love.... This past weekend we were privileged to attend my daughterʼs 9th ballet recital! This particular studio always does a real ballet--not just filled with dance after dance with no rhyme or reason, but more in the traditional sense in that it tells a story. This year, the story is a timeline of the owner and founder, Denise Brown. What a lovely tribute to this wonderful woman who danced ballet for years, taught countless students over her 80 something years and has opened and maintained a ballet studio for 50 years..... Why am I bringing this up? When my mother-in-law died, we planted a peach tree in our backyard; when my dad died, we planted a beautiful garden outside our family business... But really those acts were for us--for us to remember them..... the one who had passed didnʼt get to enjoy them......so many times we pay a tribute when someone dies....from a picture history video at the funeral to donating fountain or building.... IN MEMORY OF....... But why donʼt we honor

these special individuals when they are alive... Why not change it from IN MEMORY OF to IN

HONOR OF......TELL your mom or dad how much they

mean to you....WRITE THEM a note....... VIDEO THEM telling old family stories....

TAKE THEIR PICTURE....PICK UP the phone!

Honor them now, honor them today......

Dad I love the way you always_____________ when I was growing up. Mom, you always made me feel special when you _______________. Dad, I loved the way you taught me to________________. Mom, My favorite meal growing up was___________________.

No family is perfect so there are things in growing up that you may NOT have liked.... but choose something positive and honor them with that tidbit. It doesnʼt have to be huge or a large project like a ballet but I encourage you to honor those around you and celebrate their life while they are still with you!

Advice!

ADVICE and more advice! The reason I started this newsletter is because caring for a parent really does present itʼs own unique challenges. All of your younger life, the parent was in charge and now you are. You have increased responsibilities with them and a life of your own. So what do you do with well meaning friends, who are not in this stage of life or specific situation, who choose to offer you their words of wisdom..... First off, know they they really are probably well meaning. And while you may need a confidant to share with, not everyone needs to know every challenge that you face. Others donʼt need intimate details of physical changes that your parent may be having, so you can allow that parent to maintain their dignity. But it is nice to have someone to share with that loves you and your parents and understands the difficulties you face! When someone does give you unwarranted advice, here are some ideas of how to handle:

--Nod, smile and thank them for their concern but donʼt make any promises that you will follow through with their idea --do not try to explain to them that they really have no idea what you are going through..... They may want to tell you about Aunt Sally who died of the exact thing your parent has been diagnosed with and add gruesome details..... they may, single handedly know of the best nursing home in town, or worse, the worst nursing home in town.....Thank them and then go and do whatever is best for you, your family and your parent. Advice that someone, who is living life with you, that has been prayed over, is different than advice from someone who has thought about what they are saying for all of 5 seconds..... We have all been guilty when someone tells a story and asks for prayer and before you know it, you are offering solutions or advice. What they asked for is prayer; and what they are getting is advice. We can all take note and learn from this. Be kind and donʼt judge when someone offers unsolicited advice-- they mean well.... But also guard yourself from folks who drain you by their inconsiderate remarks.....Pray frequently and fervently so you donʼt express any ungratefulness but that your attitude may be humble and not annoyed at the advice sharer. Show the love of God to them by being patient and kind. And know that we all can learn from these experiences. We can learn and not do this same behavior to others..... JAMES 3:2 We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.

remembering

First Friday in May.... the date may roll off your tongue but it getʼs stuck in my throat....and my heart sinks a little..... For me it represents the beginning of the end.... Do you know what I mean.... If you have lost someone close to you, you know what I mean.... but at the time you donʼt even know the significance; you really donʼt know that it is or could be an event that significant... Beginning of the end.... it may look like a slight change in condition.... something that could be explained away but deep down you know it may mean more. That pit feeling in your heart that you are on the edge of a crisis; about to enter in; about to walk through something really hard.....hoping not but knowing you may likely be.......

It was a beautiful day--kids out at noon (just like this past Friday).. they each had friends coming over from school and we stopped by a local hamburger place to eat a quick bite before we came home. We had picked up my dad a burger... when we arrived home, I ran it out to his house behind ours where I found him in bed (not terribly unusual-he usually took an afternoon nap). but this time I found him shivering in bed, hardly able to communicate. When I asked him if he could get up and he really couldnʼt (didnʼt even really try) I told him I needed to call 911. When he didnʼt argue, I KNEW something was up. I did call and within a very few moments, they arrived (thank you local fire and ambulance devoted workers).... I also called my sisters knowing this wasnʼt an event to go alone. The emergency workers

talked with him and loaded him onto a stretcher to go to the hospital to get checked out. While it seemed innocent enough, I had THAT feeling. That one where you are in slow motion and everything around you is spinning and somehow you are looking into the situation, even looking down at yourself in the midst of it. I remember having the thought that I wonder if this would be the last time he would ever be in his home, the one he loved so much, the place of comfort and filled with lots of love. I brushed away the thoughts, knowing I must deal with the crisis at hand first. I must be strong. I must be helpful. I must be up beat for him and not show my fear. Beginning of the end--yes indeed; still hurts now but the following weeks got even worse (more in coming newsletters)... So in all this, what can we learn? We must somehow walk through the painful steps for care for our parent, not show our own fears, be strong and courageous for them even though the small child in us says that we cannot do this. Make this go away. But in our times of difficulty, the Lord is strong. He is strong when we are weak. He carries us through. Call on Him to be with you. Beginning of the end-- first Friday in May-- change is never easy.... May the Lord carry us through.....

in charge

Who is in charge? As you care for your parent, and as roles change, there sometimes can be “growing pains” as to who is in charge. You want them to remain as independent for as long as possible.... Certainly you want them to make decisions about their care when possible but also sometimes you may have a more clear picture of their needs. I remember the classic story of dad.... He had been falling alot (a whole other set of stories, not to mention that he was on blood thinning medicines!) and we really wanted him to get some physical therapy to get better balance and be stronger. He was in good health other than the falls. We pondered this for a long time and finally talked to the doctor. Even though dad thought he was just fine and told the doctor so, we managed to convince the doctor to write a “doctorʼs order” to get some physical therapy. Dad was still saying that he did not need this and that he was fine and would be “more careful”..... We finally went through all of the red tape to gain access to a therapist who would come to his home a few times and teach him some exercises to make him stronger and hopefully have less falls.

Weeks went by and we kept waiting to hear from the therapist. Finally, my sisters and I were comparing notes at dinner one night and asking if any of us had heard back from the therapist...and wondering why we had not! How rude we concluded! When, after much discussion about what to do next, dad chirps in....”Oh that guy has been driving me crazy calling. I told him not to come!” Imagine our exasperation when we discovered this little fact! We finally did arrange therapy and a wonderful man came and helped dad learn some exercises and techniques to help keep him ambulatory!

MORAL of the story: Communicate often and well; and use gentle force to get the services they need.

too busy

TOO BUSY? It’s that time of year again.... the busyness is taking over.... if you are a true sandwich generation member, you are now facing adding some “ever-so-worthy” end of the year activities to an already full schedule. Now taking your parent to the doctor and bringing them a meal is sandwiched between the end of the year musical and end of the year soccer party. And don’t forget the end of the wedding shower for the favorite teacher who has just been engaged and the well meaning friend organizing the end of the year pool party for the whole class. How do we balance the have-to’s from the rest? Matthew 11 says 28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.".... So what can we learn? Weary--those tired from hard toil; Burdened--those loaded down.... Are these you? A yoke is a device for joining together a pair of animals, esp. oxen; so when we take HIS yoke, we can first learn from him, and second of all, find rest.....Yoke’s are designed to take the burden of ONE and shift it to TWO. When we bring our cares to Jesus, he doesn’t just listen, he lightens the load. As much as you don’t think you have extra time to spend with HIM in this busy spring season, it actually may be JUST the thing you need to make your load lighter. It may not be in the form of removing physical items from your TO DO list (but it may!) but may be in the form of helping you make good choices of your time and being more calm, loving and patient. Your parent is in a season that they probably don’t understand your busyness so we can learn from them and try to slow down, prioritizing what must stay and what can go. But equally important, when we have have spent time with God, we can love others well. Don’t make the mistake of taking time with HIM off your list, thinking it will clear your plate of one thing. That’s the VERY THING that will keep you able to persevere and able to finish well.